where I'm at.
In some melodramatic way, everything has all come crashing down. My life on paper still looks the same unfortunately, but I feel well, funny. It’s been a slow six months in an uncomfortable, confronting way. There have been bright days; there have been many I’ve found myself depleted without leaving my bed. It’s caught me off guard and left me really bemused (I’m not quite sure what it is yet). I’m not crying as much, I’m spiraling instead. Burnt out I guess? Giving everything to work and having zero space to grieve, and I want to grieve. Is this in itself a stage of grief?
Hindsight - what I realise now is that I should of probably booked a cute calm relaxing holiday for mid March, a spa or something. Instead I took as little time as possible away from work and travelled to Iceland for a momentous girls trip totally outside of my comfort zone, returning home in a total state, sick for days, only just waking up now for Spring.
In a previous lifetime this trip could of done less damage on my body, but with my working life feeling hectic since Autumn, and my trauma still fresh, this adventure definitely tipped me into a new realm of tired I’ve never stumbled across before. In some roundabout way though, lifting myself out of my daily routine, whale watching, lagoon bobbing, walking and walking and walking around Iceland, was very likely exactly what I needed, even if the recovery hurt like hell.
Are you confused yet?
I’m asking myself a lot of questions lately.
More to come.
Iceland reminded that life won’t wait. It’s important to rest in Winter, to be gentle and safe, but this Spring I deeply deeply want to get out of my head and figure out what the F I want if I can’t have my mum. It starts by writing my scrappy thoughts here and by booking some easy to avoid big scary appointments in April.
Here goes. This is most of what has been rattling around lately, screaming to get out in the most unhinged of ways:
Singing to mums favourite Will Youngs songs in the tub, whilst a sleepy bath bomb called Slow Down fizzes around me. Baking apple crumble 3 times in the past month to feel her presence in your belly. Roasting chicken and covering potatoes in rosemary like she would. Nothing is important anymore. It’s time to compile a new playlist full of Smooth Radios finest hits to remind me of days working in care. Must hunker down until I feel better. When will that be? Can’t believe my house won’t tidy itself. I hate doing the dishes. Nose bleeds. So many nose bleeds. Trip drinks are nice. Gin good too. Talking to solicitors still. Worrying about money. The death admin still exists, and secretly maybe I don’t want it to end. Now feels like a good time to flick through Rightmove. Why is everything so expensive?! When was the last time life felt easy? I’ve outgrown so many friends. I’m not sure why. Bye bye the last inches of bleached hair mum would of known, even touched. An era has ended. I’m not happy, but I’m not as unhappy as I was??? I want to go on more date nights. I want to feel alive again. I have a skin routine now. Must buy more Retinol. Do I have chronic fatigue? I can afford counselling now. I can afford a dentist too, balls. Let’s rewatch Monsters Inc for the millionth time. Modern Family too. I want a puppy. I would do anything to bring my soul dog back. Will I be letting mum down if I choose not to have children? I turn 32 this year, gross. Should I start waxing my whole face? I like my job a lot actually, that’s nice. What’s wrong with my brain? These dreams are wild. My heart is broken. Definitely traumatised. Should call my sister soon. What’s my aunt up to? Candy Crush is a great time waster. Did I actually go to Iceland with my friends? That was cool. I feel different now. I want another holiday. Pina Colada on Sharon please. Should I stop writing? Almost 10 years with my partner. Can we get married now? What if I die? What if he dies? I lost my glasses. I should visit the cemetery next time it’s sunny. Will I ever learn to drive?! Are all of these meetings really necessary? I think I’m burnt out. I’ve joined the gym, but I can’t be bothered to go. Shall I order another cream cheese bagel on Deliveroo? I wish I was skinnier. Do I still look like mum at this size? My brain hurts. This is a lot for one person. I wonder how mums friends are doing? I wonder if they think of me? I should get a new bird feeder soon. Start feeding that pigeon again. Meal plan. Food shop. Repeat. Get me to my local garden center now. Can’t believe it’s April already. I need to call my GP. I’ve been so unwell since January. More codeine please. Must book smear test. I have 20 tattoos now. I’ve just booked another appointment. Mum would hate most of them. Bed office is nice. I’m never going to sit at my desk again am I? New season of Married at First Sight. YAY. Am I enough? What even is family? Should I dye my hair again? What would mum say? Can’t believe she’s not coming back. Rude. What would mums life look like now? WTF is mine? Can we please go for coffee again? Are you sure I have to do this all by myself?
Okay bye.