I desperately want to feel contentment without dread. I deserve nice things. Don’t I?
Pretty sure this feeling is just Spring doing its job, pulling me out of this depressy vibe and into something I haven’t been able to feel for a while, pure unapologetic wholesome joy.
I’ve finally had the clarity and courage to organise the little things that were dragging me down, whilst reminding myself of what’s important, what’s not, and deciding to bin everything else off basically.
Silly and not so silly things I’ve done recently to help lighten the load and make me feel ✨refreshed✨: I hoovered, changed the bedding, bought new cushion covers, cut and dyed my hair, wore mascara for the first time in a year, cleaned every dusty corner of my home, started listening to music again, baked cakes, lapped up garden sunshine, hung out the washing, created a new meal planning system, planted wild flowers, showered and watered every house plant, lit candles. I read and organised all 200+ unread emails, sorted folders on my laptop and removed photos from my phone that made me sad. Me and boyfriend travelled for a romantic sweet getaway and fancy meal in our vintage car for the first time since before COVID, I booked tickets to see Busted in September (again, my first gig since before COVID), and have rough May plans arranged with friends to visit St Ives and get a new tattoo! Arguably, most importantly, me and my boyfriend have had many honest chats about the now, the future, and how we want to step up for each other - something we’ve not allowed headspace to chat about for months until now tbh because we’ve been in survival mode, powered by adrenaline.
This weekend just gone my aunt and sister visited as well, and on April Fools as mum asked, we scattered the other half of her ashes on her favourite beach. We ate ice cream, watched the tide, collected shells, enjoyed lunch with a sea view, sipped tea, roamed from beach to beach, gift shop to gift shop, witnessed many dogs living their best seaside lives, and travelled home. I took my auntie to my favourite Thai restaurant for dinner, then my sister to my favourite bagel spot on Sunday, said goodbye to each and promised to keep in touch now that our final act for mum was complete.
In general I’ve been full on social lately, with work too, it’s been busy. Exhausting for sleepy little introverted me to keep up, I’m such a hermit, but I’ve felt happy, strong again, even if I’ve ended the day with a headache and sore feet. It’s a reminder that I can be a good time and vibrant person to be around. I think for a while I forgot how effortless finding fun could be, or what fun outside of my house for me even looked like. I worried enormously that everyone around me, even before mum passed, thought I was such a mood killer or not a light person to enjoy…and, at times that might of been true, might still be, but obviously that’s totally 1000% fine now, given my two best best friends in the whole world have died in the past 6 months.
Give yourself a break Kate!!
It’s a confusing time. My grief still young.
One thing I promise myself this Spring is to keep going, whatever that looks like, day by day. To remind myself that happiness is out there, even when I can’t feel it, to open up more and share more than just my misfortune, and to remind myself often that this space is mine to sculpt.
Here is your reminder to spring clean your home, your phone, your mind🌸