I watched Beef on Netflix last week. This action started a turning point in my grief. Specifically, when Danny Cho breaks down in church during episode 3, I broke too. I am not a religious human, but I felt that hymn, felt his deep cry, and that I could relate to his pent up emotion, life is too much for one person to carry feeling.
With this, I have now entered the next phase of my grief: anger.
Whilst chopping onions at lunchtime, the sore tears began, and without thought I let them keep on coming. After a while I couldn’t distinguish the onion pain from the total upset that is my life. In amongst the chopping and tears, I suddenly remembered a song that once broke me when mum had cancer the first time, titled Heavens Not Too Far Away by We Three. No turning back now, I proceeded to find a quiet corner to sob my little heart out and listen these lyrics, more earth shattering now than ever before. Lee Sung Jin allowed this to happen when writing Beef, and I am thankful to feel so seen by a tv show like never before.
Before the cry, today of all days, mood of all moods, I turned my laptop on and returned to my usual work from home Tuesday routine after 10 days on annual leave. 10 gorgeous, busy, fun days. By 9am this morning however, I had already seriously botched my first email and renounced this day a failure.
Silly me.
ANYWAY.
There I was clearing the rest of my inbox, flagging what’s important and making a to do list, when I saw an email chain that past me would be excited for: work friends birthdays! Now, a not so subtle reminder that all of my friends are turning 30, having extended celebrations and feeling delighted to wave their 20s goodbye. A peculiar slap in the face (because I’m so excited for my friends) that 3 days before my 30th I was attending my mums funeral, about to enter a new era as an orphan. My house looked similar to a bomb site, I had suddenly become the owner of a dog, and I had zero clue what the actual F I was doing. Basically, my friends are living a very different experience, and I am sad for me. Also jealous.
There’s thunder and lightening outside now. How poignant.
I feel as though a tornado has ripped my world in two, and in every way that’s metaphorically true. Whilst last month I was feeling productive, somewhat hopeful, able to find some glimmers of good again, right now, I just don’t feel it. That good I was clinging to I think we can now title denial, fueled by Spring arriving. Main themes included: adrenaline and overwhelm.
Now, there’s this sinking feeling. A guilt about being miserable, even though it’s all valid. A feeling of not wanting to partake in upcoming events that will be beautiful moments for some. A resentful feeling, or selfishness that I am or might possibly accidentally spoil events because of grief. Everything is tarnished with this bitter not sweet, feeling that I miss my mum more than anything, ever. That there’s no justice and I miss my bloody dog. I’m a victim of an attack, my two best friends have been stolen, and what is life now?
We’re six months in since losing mum.
Three months since my dog.
This is where I’m at.
Lasagna for dinner.
The memes at the end are on point, especially 'me. i'm the baby.'
Every stage of grief is exhausting, but anger feels like the most draining for me. The people and things I was angry at/about did not deserve my anger, so I felt like I could not express it, and keeping it in was so damaging.
You've survived 6 months, I am proud of you for that. Time passing when we're so deep in our grief feels so cruel; I wanted the world to stop because my life felt like it stopped and I was worried I would never catch up (I did) and it felt lonely that the world was moving on from this huge loss while I was stuck in it (they were and that was okay).
I hope you are able to find peace and healing while on this journey through grief. I'm here if you need a friend!