This time last year life very quickly took a nose dive when Summer suddenly became mums last. One flying visit to the hospital during the July UK heatwave became an entire week with her own private room, one lung that needed draining, the other collapsed, and the 3 month diagnosis we were totally flawed by. How can an active, vegan, nurse and 56 year old have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer? What the actual F. Almost a year later, I still feel totally blindsided by the news.
By mums 57th birthday on October 16th, we knew there wasn’t much time left and she desperately wanted to die. By November 1st, she was gone. Me and her talked about her death a lot, but I never really grasped she’d be gone until Halloween when I took her beloved dog and moved him in with me. Now, I daily have to remind myself that she’s not walking this earth any longer, she’s not just a phone call or bus journey away, and I miss our days together so much. There are so many funny stories I want to tell her, so many things she won’t ever know about me, I can’t get over that.
Over the weekend I saw Incubus play at the most gorgeous outdoor venue, on the sunniest evening. When Wish You Were Here played, with my boyfriend by my side, and a pink sunset sweeping the sky, I let out a big cry whilst singing at the top of my voice. In that moment I let go of the heaviness I’d been carrying and saw that life was in a new way good again. That whole night was magic. She told me the world would tick on by without her, that I would be able to feel her energy with me all the time, and both of these things are true. I didn’t think they would be, that I would be able to cope, but here I am. More unhinged than ever before.
I often wonder… why did she have to die for me to learn what a real problem was or, how to garden, speak up for myself or to bake a good loaf cake, amongst many other things. I couldn’t of loved mum more, I have no regrets about our final months. I was there til the very end. My only wish is that mum could have gone when she wanted to and that she didn’t have to suffer. I know if we had any choice, she would have left us sooner, and that would have always been the kindest option.
Now I see life like the realist that was my mum. Growing older isn’t guaranteed, it’s a privilege. Nature is nice, not to be ignored, buy the good ice cream, don’t rush through life, don’t suffer alone. You get it. I would be lying though if I didn’t tell you that there’s also always this ominous feeling now, either that I’m definitely, without shadow of a doubt going to die young or that important people in my life will. I’m completely terrified that this July will become equally as heartbreaking as the last, I’ve just not quite determined the plot line yet. It’s a lot isn’t it?!
I am trying to let go though, to channel some positive vibes.
Want to know how?
Okay then.
I’ll be out of office for two whole flippin’ weeks as of today - something I’ve never done before because we’re going on a caravan holiday! Rain or shine, I’m excited for a change of scenery. I’m going to run into the ocean, let it cleanse my soul and emerge rebirthed I hope. I’m picturing some sort of huge movie style moment in my new H&M orange striped bikini, whilst my boyfriend watches and laughs from the sidelines.
In other news, the in-laws are getting remarried, so that’s nice for them. I’m getting my hair fixed properly like at a salon properly, as some sort of therapy to rid me finally of the at home bleach I whacked on my head last August. Thinking back, I wanted to be my best blonde self again, to feel closer to my very blonde beautiful mother, to feel as though we looked alike still, after dying my hair a dark dark brown during a different mental episode March 2022. Why am I like this!...other than those few treats, they’ll probably be some gardening, some quiet at home time, the Sims, a BBQ or two, board games, catching up with friends, definitely lots of brunch and definitely some cider. If the sun could shine throughout that would be marvelous too, because seriously, if the heavens open I will cry.
Whilst I’m reeling off these noisy thoughts that have been rattling around my brain all week, I think my main wish for this Summer and as the latter half of this year rolls in, is to only say hell yes to plans I really want to go to, and stay mellow, where I feel comfortable, with the good people. I have this ability thanks to trauma to turn everyday events into a big ball of stress, so if I can somehow reach deep into the pit of my belly to feel less afraid, more rested, that would be super lovely on the mental health.
I love your mood boards! I get whiplash from laughing (TRAVIS sign) and then reading something so poignant (Clarice Quote) almost every time.
I remember even a year after my person died, that I would reach for my phone to text them or call them when something happened or if I saw something I thought they would like. I knew they were gone but that muscle memory was strong.
I hope your caravan adventure brings you joy!! The ocean is so healing 🌊 Make memories and let yourself be free 💙💙